Following a dramatic increase in the number of obesity-related accidents occurring at basic training locations throughout the US, the Army has requested that its enemies move more slowly across the battlefield in future conflicts according to the New York Times.
"We're a fatter, slower nation and in the spirit of combat we request that the Taliban and al Qaeda adjust their tactics accordingly," said Secretary Gates at a press conference. "Running in body armor is really, really hard. Instead of getting more fit we'd rather just slow down war altogether."
The request is the latest in a series of reports dealing with the fattening of the forces, the first of which was a report by retired generals called "Too Fat To Fight" that labeled America's obesity epidemic as a national security issue. While previous attempts to get the Army down to size were proactive, this is the first request the US has made to its enemies.
"We have poured hundreds of billions of dollars into building your countries' infrastructures, please return that kindness by running more slowly so that we may shoot you without having an asthma attack."
Secretary Gates was quick to note that a less fit Army did not imply that America was any less capable of defending itself, however. "To the enemies of America, let me be clear: you may run from us for a time, but eventually--after we PMCS our vehicles, get in our Humvees, fill out a trip report, and eat--we will find you, assuming you've only hidden a few meters from the roadside."
The Dingo, the Baby, and Other Misadventures has been revitalized, re-edited, and is now for sale on the Kindle. Buy your copy for just $2.99 ... plus the $189 for a Kindle device itself ... Kidding! Free Kindle apps are available for download on iPhones, Blackberries or Androids so odds are you can read it on your phone (or your PC or Mac, also Kindle apps for them!). Still, if you want to purchase the book AND a Kindle, the book alone is worth the $191.99. Trust me.
That means if you have an iPhone, Kindle, Blackberry, Android or computer and you enjoy the Fourth Corner, you must buy it. Especially you. Yes, you.
While you're placing the order on Amazon, feel free to saunter over to the Dingo's homepage and see the latest peculiar happenings from the land Down Under.
There are some battles we all hope are never fought because the opponents are so menacing that even a victory results in a loss. Nuclear war between the US and Russia, for instance. Or Alien versus Predator (we all know how that turned out). Some battles are just best left untouched. Still, that doesn't preclude us from an academic discussion of who would win in such fights. And so we here at the Fourth Corner introduce Versus, a new forum where we will pit equally qualified men/heroes/villains/sodas/countries/tv infomercial hosts against one another to see who will emerge victorious.
In our first installment, consider Madmen's Don Draper and Chuck Norris. On the one hand, Don Draper is the man--he is cool, collected, has a unquenchable liver, is loved by ladies, and was born from grit only to be pulled up by his own bootstraps to the top of the food chain. On the other hand, Chuck Norris is Chuck Fucking Norris.
Thousands of Tea Party activists will descend on the nation's capital this weekend, as Glenn Beck launches his "Restoring Honor" rally to be held on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr's "I Have a Dream" speech. It's unclear why Glenn Beck is trying to align his campaign with that of the Civil Rights movement, especially as some Tea Partiers have discussed repealing the Civil Rights Act.
In Beck's defense, among luminary speakers like Sarah Palin and Beck himself, Dr. Alveda King--niece to MLK--will be providing some diversity top-cover as a guest speaker as well. But this King is a tad different than her relative when it comes to embracing diversity: she compared homosexuality to genocide, the logic being that if we all go gay, the world population will go to zero (because our current 6 billion number is dangerously low?). MLK she is not.
While Beck sites are stirring about the rally, there is relatively little information on what the purpose of the rally is. It is branded as being apolitical, in fact, attendees are being told not to bring signs as they will detract from the "peaceful message." In one presumably official trailer, a poorly dressed soldier in an outdated uniform hands a child a flag in the middle of a field and has an eerie undertone of a sort of call-to-arms.
The associated Facebook page has some insight into the purpose of the event:
Throughout history America has seen many great leaders and noteworthy citizens change her course. It is through their personal virtues and by their example that we can live as a free country. On August 28th, come celebrate America by honoring our heroes, our heritage and our future.
Join the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and many more for this non-political event that pays tribute to America’s service personnel and other upstanding citizens who embody our nation’s founding principles of integrity, truth and honor.
Our freedom is possible only if we remain virtuous. Help us restore the values that founded this great nation. Come join us on August 28th in our pledge to restore honor at the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C.
As a veteran, I'm glad people are recognizing the sacrifices servicemen make, but this sounds hauntingly like its the politicization of patriotism. Indeed, conservatives have a strong tradition of being unable to disassociate patriotism from political views. The first sentence of the last paragraph--and the title of the rally--indicates that this has less to do with honoring our veterans than it does restoring some presumably lost American value.
What that lost virtue is, I'm sure Glenn Beck will tell us. I'll go ahead and wager that he'll try to marry the two--his political angle with patriotism--by saying the attendees must take a cue from service members and take up the burdensome task of defending American [insert conservative ideal here] from assault. Call to arms indeed. Forget that US servicemen vow to support and defend the deliberately amoral, non-religious, government instruction manual called Constitution of the United States. Somehow that Constitution will be portrayed as under assault and it will be Beck's duty to defend it.
He'll likely tie in MLK's ultimate sacrifice to his country and from there encourage activism from his followers to do the same. There's also rumor that he'll be unveiling a collective plan, called "The Plan", to restore America to its founding principles, one of which must be capitalism because the details of the plan will no doubt be released in his newest book called "The Plan."
From Beck's blog: All of the above will culminate in The Plan, a book that will provide specific policies, principles and, most importantly, action steps that each of us can take to play a role in this Refounding.
What is worth noting is that this rally is being done in concert with the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, a group dedicated to providing financial support to surviving family members of fallen Special Operations soldiers, a very noteworthy cause if ever there was one. Hopefully the "Restoring Honor" rally will bring more money to this cause without attaching political stigma to its decidedly apolitical cause.
That will be difficult as he'll also be plugging a new book, a 100 year plan to re-found America, and celebrating the "birthday of a new national movement to restore our great country." How he intends to do that without getting political will be his greatest trick of all.
As for Facebook comments regarding the rally on Beck's site, here are a few highlights:
I pray for the safety of Glen Beck and his family during the "Restore Honor" rally in DC this weekend.. Without him and others like him.. we would be shopping in grocery stores with armed guards with oozies at the doors.
Through prayer we have decided to attend this great event.
I hope I can view this on s-span
Glenn Beck, you have got into my heart, you have my respect, & i would trust you with my life.
There's a lot of buzz going around that 18% of people think Obama is a Muslim. Could it be that he celebrated Ramadan at the White House? Because so did President Bush. Or his opinions on the Ground Zero mosque? Because that means the 26% of Americans who are okay with the mosque are also Muslim. No, no, it's because at least 18% of Americans are categorically crazy.
Let's do the numbers:
18% of Americans believe Obama is a Muslim, up from 11% a year ago. 43% are unsure what religion he is.
24% of Americans believe in witches.
29% believe in Astrology.
34% of Americans believe in UFOs.
92% believe in God, but only 71% believe in the Devil. (4% on average are unsure whether either exists)
That means by a ratio of 10 to 1, more people are unsure about Obama's religious preferences than they are about the existence of a Supreme being (god) and his/her antithesis (devil). It may be that people have spent more time contemplating god than what Obama does on a Sunday morning.
But the other numbers there are hard to refute. 24% of Americans believe in witches. Let me say that again. 24% of AMERICANS BELIEVE IN WITCHES. Really America? REALLY? 29% believe in Astrology. That's almost ONE THIRD of Americans who open up the paper, check out whether Sagittarius is ascendant, and plan their days accordingly.
Thank god only 18% of Americans think Obama is a Muslim, despite him saying time and time and time and time again that he isn't. Because on average it's looking like a slightly higher number--1 in 4--believe in things that aren't verifiable in the least (UFOs), or have been completely refuted (witches). Surely, facts aren't so important for 25% of Americans when making decisions.
But don't worry, America, we're not alone. While 6% of hardcore Americans believe the moon landing was fake, 25% of readers to a British Science and Technology magazine responded to a poll saying they believed no humans had landed on the moon (CNN poll). So Britain, it seems, might also be one part nuts, three parts normal.
You can watch Buzz Aldrin punch one of these conspiracy theorists below.
Pot growers in Western Canada trained bears to protect their marijuana crop. As reported by Reuters, police conducting the raid were a bit cautious to find 10 bears circling the crop.
Fortunately, the pot-loving bears were docile and lazy. Shocker.
They had been trained to guard the crops using dog food.
"Global warming is a myth-re blub-blub-blub" were Senator Joe Jackson's words as he drowned from the fallout of an unprecedented monsoon that struck Washington, DC, putting much of the Capitol underwater.
Jackson had previously been opposed to any sort of nationwide carbon cutting plan stating that "SUVs are as essential to America as freedom. I don't give a damn that we're 5% of the world's population consuming 25% of its resources with reckless abandonment, that's America's right. Anyone who says differently is a socialist."
The deluge struck the US Capitol after weeks of ominous weather-related disasters struck much of the rest of the world. In China, severe rain storms led to the death of hundreds in massive landslides. In the waters off Indonesia, one of the fastest-recorded coral bleachings was underway due to an unprecedented seven degree increase in the water temperature. In Arkansas, over a dozen were killed in a rare flash flood. And in Pakistan, massive flooding has affected over 12 million people.
"There is no proof that our massive, historically unprecedented emission of warming greenhouse gases has anything to do with global warming-related weather phenomena. Maybe these are all signs from God that gays shouldn't marry, you probably didn't consider that did you?" Jackson said as he stumped against a comprehensive energy bill, shortly before drowning.
Water gathered around the Senator's ankles as he addressed the floor. "America cannot afford carbon cuts in the middle of a recession. More fuel efficient car regulations will hurt our economy ... but, ah, American people are also innovative and ah, can rise to any challenge."
When the sweeping laws of President Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal were enacted, it didn't take long for the laws to get challenged in the courts. From Social Security to a spate of other laws meant to revamp an economy deep within the Great Depression, the New Deal was not an easily won victory for Progressives, and sometimes not a victory at all.
On what has come to be called “Black Monday”–May 25, 1935–the Supreme Court unanimously ruled on two cases that each struck down major portions of Roosevelt’s New Deal. The first case to be ruled unconstitutional was the Frazier-Lemke Emergency Farm Mortgage Act, part of the New Deal designed to prevent debt-ridden farmers from losing their land. In a second ruling, the National Industrial Recovery Act, a major cornerstone of the New Deal, was struck down by a vote in the courts, ruling that the Legislative had given too much unchecked power to the Executive, and violated the due process clause of the Fifth Amendment.
Roosevelt was having a bad day, but would not go down without a fight.
Roosevelt introduced the Judiciary Reorganization Bill in his first Fireside Chat following his reelection in 1936. More New Deal laws had been declared in the interim, and by 1937, Roosevelt was ready to hit back. “We have,” Roosevelt spoke, “reached the point as a nation where we must take action to save the Constitution from the Court, and the Court from itself.”
Part of his plan was to add a justice for every judge over 70 who was sitting on the court. Six of the nine judges on the Supreme Court were over 70.
The bill found no endorsement in the House, and so the White House introduced it to the Senate, where it floundered. The Senate Judiciary Committee eventually labeled FDR’s plan “a needless, futile and utterly dangerous abandonment of constitutional principle.”
Still, Senate Majority Leader Joseph Robinson (FDR had promised him a seat on the Supreme Court), pressed on with the bill’s passage. He took the floor for two days straight, and eventually left, complaining of chest pains. He died of a heart attack two days later, and with him, any chance of the bill’s passage.
But in a strange twist, FDR got his wish. By serving in office for more than twelve years, he eventually appointed eight of the nine justices on the court.
Something is rotten in the land of espionage. Following last month's highly orchestrated spy swap between Russia and the United States, two of the spies have come out to say, well, they're not spies.
The Wall Street Journal broke the first story. One of the Russian spies, after having sang patriotic songs with Vladimir Putin and had a hero's welcome, simply said he doesn't know what anyone is talking about.
Mikhail Vasenkov, one of the twelve Russian spies arrested in New York, has come out to say he doesn't know who Mikhail Vasenkov is, that his real name is Juan Lazaro, and that he wants to go back to Peru, his wife's home country.
Unfortunately for Mikhail--a name that is likely an alias, as there is no record of the name in Russia--the FBI kept close tabs on him for nearly a decade, including wire-tapped conversations that very clearly show he was up to no good, even if he was bad at it (his Russian liaisons were routinely disappointed in the information he provided).
Still, his tale of espionage is a fascinating one. He arrived in a Soviet-supported Peru on a false work visa back in the 1970s where he married a local woman. By the mid-1980s he had secured work in New York, and from there settled into his collection routine. All told, the man lived a cover life for 35 years, raising the psychological question: where does a cover life stop and one's real life begin?
Then there is Igor Sutyagin, whose release the US requested as part of the prisoner exchange. Igor is not a spy. He just isn't. He once worked for a British firm in Russia providing opinions on unclassified, widely available news reports and public information, but was sentenced to 15 years in a Siberian prison regardless. The US claims he is not a spy. His arresting officials agree he is not a spy.
As part of the prisoner swap, he was dropped off in London with a change of clothes and $3,000. He misses prison, and he misses Russia.
As if it's not enough that the horrible combination of thick smoke, raging peat fires, and an unbearable heat wave weren't enough, Russians now have to worry about radioactive fires.
Yes, radioactive fires.
It was revealed yesterday that about 20 fires happen to be raging in forests that are contaminated with the nuclear fallout from the 1986 Chernobyl disaster. As the fires rage, the nuclear particles on the ground are literally going up in smoke, and then wafting over populated areas of Russia and Ukraine. How shitty.
In an even more peculiar twist, when a report meant to assuage fears was released from Russia's Chief Medical Officer saying "everything's okay," even more people panicked, saying that's just what the government said when Chernobyl happened in the first place.
Fortunately, Vladimir Putin has everything under control. Yesterday he co-piloted a Be-20 amphibious fire fighting aircraft as it dumped water over the fires. By a Fourth Corner tally, that means Putin has piloted a Harley, a nuclear submarine, a Su-25 fighter plane and co-piloting a Tu-160 supersonic bomber.
Home to mind bending illusions, this website is the panopticon of optical illusions, including the one above. Check it out: http://www.moillusions.com/
An excerpt from the New Yorker's "Zero Grounds" article by Hendrik Hertzberg.
Alternate titles: "Where Palin goes 'elitist' on New Yorkers" or "Republicans: We believe in freedom of religion, and by 'religion' we mean certain sects of Christianity."
Zero Grounds
A couple of weeks before the last election, the Republican nominees for President and Vice-President granted a joint interview to Brian Williams, of NBC. “Governor,” he asked, turning to the distaff half of the ticket, “what is an élite? Who is a member of the élite?” Sarah Palin replied, “Anyone who thinks that they are, I guess, better than anyone else—that’s my definition of élitism.” “It’s not geography?” Williams pursued. “Of course not,” she said. The ticket’s other half blinked and smiled a tight smile. John McCain had something to say.
MCCAIN: I know where a lot of them live. WILLIAMS: Where’s that? MCCAIN: Well, in our nation’s capital and New York City. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived there.
These élitists, he went on to explain, “think that they can dictate what they believe to America rather than let Americans decide for themselves.”
It was nice of Palin not to go all geographical on us back then. She has forgotten her patron’s admonition about Americans letting other Americans decide for themselves, but at least she says please, or its Twitter equivalent. In a follow-up to her quickly famous, quickly removed “pls refudiate” tweet, she tweeted, “Peaceful New Yorkers, pls refute the Ground Zero mosque plan if you believe catastrophic pain caused @ Twin Towers site is too raw, too real.” Sic, sic, sic.
I understand going into this that I'm a healthy 28 year-old who has yet to pay what I hear are exorbitant health care costs. But as a 28 year-old I've also been paying taxes for a decade, watching my pay checks get parsed out to medicare and social security and Federal income taxes.
Before I started paying taxes, back in high school, my parents and my 10th grade teacher taught me the beauty of compound interest. I remember learning (reluctantly) about investments and how money I invested as a twenty-something could make me a millionaire by the time I retire. Well, I've put money away, and certainly have yet to see the beauty of compound interest due to the recession, but I'm confident that my future retirement is more assured by those investments than the tens of thousands of dollars I've lost to social security.
Social Security is insolvent. It is a pyramid scheme by definition: those who paid in first are earning their returns off those who bought into the program later. Unless we as a nation keep out-breeding the generation before us, we're fucked.
There is plenty of blame to go around regarding our deficit. Last week the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan hit a sad budgetary milestone of $1 trillion dollars, or about $3 trillion once you factor in other spending like VA benefits, etc. But I'm not worried about defense spending. Those costly wars will end, social security and medicare will not.
These days the maximum amount a social security earner can get per month is $1,100.00. This is a substantial stipend, but most agree that it is insufficient to live on. Even so, over 20% of this year's federal budget went toward writing Social Security checks.
On a conservative estimate, this year I will pay $5,000 into Social Security. If I invested that money (likely back into US businesses through the stock market), and earned a 5% interest in it until the time I can retire under current Social Security laws (age 66), that $5,000 would have become about $32,000. That's almost three times the amount I can currently expect to make of my social security investment each retirement year (assuming it's still solvent by then.)
While I understand our obligation to those who have grown to depend on Social Security, we as a nation should ensure they are not left out to dry. But for we who are under 40, I would gladly surrender all the money I've put toward Social Security up to this point in my life if I could stop paying into the program tomorrow. It is a waste of my money.
Does this put the burden of retirement back on the individual? Absolutely. But who would you trust with your retirement: yourself, or someone else who is also trying to manage the retirements of 300 million other people?
I'll leave fixing the health care system out of this argument. It is a much more complex problem whose solution (I feel) lies more in regulation than it does in entitlement programs. But Social Security is bankrupting America and making us far more insecure that the name might imply. Get rid of it.
"We'll have the condoms at outreach events, fairs and festivals," Angelilli notes. "And we'll have people stop by the booth and say, 'Can you show us how to use them?'"
Yes, yes, we all know the Gerald Ford who was president, and who did a guest spot on the Simpsons when he moved across the street from America's favorite animated family. But did you know that Gerald Ford is the only president that made it to the office without getting elected?
Here's what happened. Spiro Agnew was Richard Nixon's Vice President. Agnew resigned when he became the first (and only) Vice President to step down because of criminal charges pending against him (something about accepting bribes, committing extortion, etc.). To boot, he was disbarred in the State of Maryland, and, despite being a governor there, had his picture removed from the state's portrait room for about two decades.
This left Nixon without a Vice President. The 25th amendment was invoked, and the House minority whip, our friend Gerald, was appointed as the nation's VP.
Then Nixon resigned because well, it turns out he was a crook, though he really did do some cool things while he was in office (went to China, ended Vietnam, abolished gold standard).
This left Gerald Ford as president, and the only one so far who made it to the office without ever being elected.
A local man was disappointed to find out he shared a birthday with President Barack Obama, a coincidence which will likely overshadow his birthday celebrations for the next seven years.
"Well a couple of my buddies and I went and got beers," says Rob. "And then I got home and found out that BP shut off the leak in the Gulf, someone tried to assassinate President Ahmedinijad--all for the President's big day--and now he's flying to Chicago for his birthday where he has a house. I didn't even know he HAD two houses. It's depressing."
Rob's statement wasn't entirely accurate. Obama will also be having a heavily catered lunch with some of the most powerful men in the world, his friends, at his other home, the White House, which is one of the most vaunted homes in all the world. It even has a pool.
"Wish I had a pool," said Rob, slumped on the sofa he bought off Craig's List.
However, that also wasn't the full story on Obama's birthday plans. While he flies off to Chicago, his wife and daughter have been spirited away to one of Spain's most exclusive resorts so he could have some down time. The trip was likely financed by the five million dollar payout Barack received from his autobiography.
"I have drill this weekend," explained Rob, popping open another beer. "FML."
One million people also signed a birthday card for the President, wishing him all the best.
"Twelve friends wished me happy birthday on Facebook. And I got a someecard.
People really, really like Barack Obama.
"You know," Rob said, setting down his beer. "Fuck this. My life is pretty good, Okay? I've got good friends. I've got my health. I don't need to notify the Secret Service any time I want to go for a run. My family is awesome. No one thinks I'm a Muslim terrorist. And the other day I found five bucks in my pocket that I thought I'd lost. So yeah, he's got POTUS, and millions of dollars and fans, and I have to call him sir, but fuck that, it's good being me. And you know what, I've got my birth certificate, too. Now if you don't mind, I've got a beer to finish."
Watch the skies tonight, especially if you're in the northern states or Canada, because we're about to get zapped by a gigantic solar flare. Will it make us all sterile? Crash planes? Kill the grid? Spirit Sarah Palin back to her home planet? No, no, no, and no, but it will make the sky a really pretty green.
Apocalypiticos are prepared to say this is the first folly from the sun as it gets ready to explode (or something) around 2012. Why? Because the Mayans SAID that's when the world would end. And wouldn't you trust a group of people who sacrificed each other by the tens of thousands and who could allegedly predict the end of times, but not the arrival of Europeans?
From the 1940s to the 1960s, Ivy-league schools such as Yale, Vassar, and Princeton took nude photos of every freshman passing through their doors, including many dignitaries and presidents.
