Following a dramatic increase in the number of obesity-related accidents occurring at basic training locations throughout the US, the Army has requested that its enemies move more slowly across the battlefield in future conflicts according to the New York Times.
"We're a fatter, slower nation and in the spirit of combat we request that the Taliban and al Qaeda adjust their tactics accordingly," said Secretary Gates at a press conference. "Running in body armor is really, really hard. Instead of getting more fit we'd rather just slow down war altogether."
The request is the latest in a series of reports dealing with the fattening of the forces, the first of which was a report by retired generals called "Too Fat To Fight" that labeled America's obesity epidemic as a national security issue. While previous attempts to get the Army down to size were proactive, this is the first request the US has made to its enemies.
"We have poured hundreds of billions of dollars into building your countries' infrastructures, please return that kindness by running more slowly so that we may shoot you without having an asthma attack."
Secretary Gates was quick to note that a less fit Army did not imply that America was any less capable of defending itself, however. "To the enemies of America, let me be clear: you may run from us for a time, but eventually--after we PMCS our vehicles, get in our Humvees, fill out a trip report, and eat--we will find you, assuming you've only hidden a few meters from the roadside."
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