Sign of the Apocalypse: Radioactive Fires

As if it's not enough that the horrible combination of thick smoke, raging peat fires, and an unbearable heat wave weren't enough, Russians now have to worry about radioactive fires.

Yes, radioactive fires.

It was revealed yesterday that about 20 fires happen to be raging in forests that are contaminated with the nuclear fallout from the 1986 Chernobyl disaster. As the fires rage, the nuclear particles on the ground are literally going up in smoke, and then wafting over populated areas of Russia and Ukraine. How shitty.

In an even more peculiar twist, when a report meant to assuage fears was released from Russia's Chief Medical Officer saying "everything's okay," even more people panicked, saying that's just what the government said when Chernobyl happened in the first place.

Fortunately, Vladimir Putin has everything under control. Yesterday he co-piloted a Be-20 amphibious fire fighting aircraft as it dumped water over the fires. By a Fourth Corner tally, that means Putin has piloted a Harley, a nuclear submarine, a Su-25 fighter plane and co-piloting a Tu-160 supersonic bomber.