Schools to ban growing up

Reacting to complaints from parents that schools aren't doing enough to protect their children, the Department of Education banned growing up in public schools across the nation. The order was issued last night in a press statement and will be effective at the end of the month.

"There is no excuse for our children to have to go through the hardships of growing up in this day and age. Public schools are no place to learn life lessons. That's why the Department of Education is proud to take the helm in banning anything that may affect a child in public schools, to include bullying, scraped knees, references to war in history class, time-outs, recess, the Internet, writing, opinions, paper cuts of any kind, kisses, sharp scissors, stairs--anything really," said Secretary Arne Duncan.

Despite the sweeping overhaul, some parents felt the measure did not go far enough. "This is too little too late," said Denise Walsh, a parent whose son attends the sixth grade. "Banning growing up is a good first step, but it doesn't go far enough. Earlier this year my son failed a math test because he got all the answers wrong. He cried for days, and that's just something I can't handle. Who is that teacher to tell my son that four times two isn't nine?"

The sweeping overhaul is estimated to cost the country $400 billion dollars over the next five years as schools are retrofitted to prohibit interactions of any kind between students, teachers, and life.

"This is a great day for America," said Bob Walker, a grassroots organizer who had been pushing for the passage of the legislation. "When our children grow up they will have no concept of conflict or competition or right or wrong or how to defend themselves, things that have plagued our generation and every generation before it. If we as instructors don't teach children to fight back, it will be the end of conflict as we know it."

In a rare move, a coalition of retired military generals said the new laws would pose a threat to national defense because a generation of obese, soft children would not make good soldiers. The coalition was immediately decried by Walker as "children-hating war mongrels out of touch with the world."