A five-year study of military efficiency was released today. Amid the results was the surprising discovery that the highest-ranking position for a non-commissioned officer, that of Command Sergeant Major (CSM) is totally useless.
"First off it's Command Sergeants Major not Command Sergeant Majors," explained CSM Joe Rock in a phone interview, "and second that study is a crock of shit."
CSM Rock relayed in excruciating detail, the contributions of the long line of Command Sergeants Major who have preceded him. "We decided to put the flag on backward on the new ACUs. An officer wanted to put it on the other way. We came up with boot shining, too, and starch. Admittedly we're trying to find a way to polish the new ACU boots, but we're not there quite yet. Our proudest accomplishment in the past five years is the proliferation of PT belts. Then there was the beret, General Shinseki tries to take credit for the beret, but behind every great idea a general has, there is always a CSM who will come up with the obscure regulations on how and where to wear it." The 15-minute phone interview lasted 2 hours.
"I don't got anywhere to be," CSM Rock replied. "Anyway, it's horseshit. If the NCO is the backbone of the Army, then that makes us the top of the spine. We're the pituitary gland."
The study showed that since the rank of E8 and E9 was created in 1958, the United States Army has not won a decisive victory in combat.
"That's because they we're doing it wrong back then! You want some thing done decisively or do you want it done right?"
The same study indicated that the position of Command Sergeant Major may actually be inhibiting the performance of regular line units by generating more obscure regulations that NCOs have to learn and enforce, in lieu of focusing on accomplishing the mission.
"Not true! That's just not true!" CSM Rock said. "If you want a strong, disciplined Army, then you need to make sure it's a good looking, uniform Army. What would you rather have a soldier know how to do: win the hearts and minds of a jackass terrorist, or be able to cite the paragraph and line number relating to the wear and appearance of uniforms? Trick question, there's no FM for winning the hearts and minds of a terrorist because they have no hearts!"
The report is due out later this year.
F. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteRob,
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking the same thing for years, although a bit of a different tweak. I've actually seen utility of the CSM at the BN level, but beyond that it is insane. Not saying I've had a good CSM at Bn, but I can see how it would be helpful to a BC to have a different perspective that that of his staff or company commanders.
Very well said. CSM Rock was the 10th MTN G3 SGM when I was in Afghanistan. I had 4 sets of basketball hoops being delivered for free,so I wanted to start a league. CSM Rock said, "If there is time to play basketball, they should be doing PT or at work..." I puked in my mouth.
bsn