Americans were satisfied to hear that both the BP oil spill and Iraq War had ended just in time for the extended Fourth of July weekend, according to the nation's news outlets.
"We're happy to report that the war in Iraq and that gushing oil spill are over," reported CNN's Frank Sobanski. "With the World Cup, the arrest of a spy ring, and the startling revelation that the Apple iPhone loses reception sometimes, there isn't any room in newsreporting for Iraq or the oil spill. So, we ended them."
"I'm just glad it's over," said Michael Kurtz. "I put on FOX and Friends at work and it's real depressing to start your day off hearing about war and the country's biggest environmental disaster. But now that they're over FOX and Friends has time to tell me there is an octopus that will correctly guess what team is going to win the World Cup. An octopus! That's a way to start off the day!"
The media's collective choice to end the war in Iraq and end the oil spill in the Gulf were initially met with criticism by the White House, however, the administration quickly warmed up to the idea. "I'll be honest," explained Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "we were skeptical that if the media stopped reporting on these that Americans would really just think they were over, but it turns out out of sight really is out of mind. America thinks they're taken care of. We've since appointed a task force to discuss getting Afghanistan out of the media and ending that war, too."
"If they were still going on, don't you think the news would be reporting on them?" said Kelly Able.
"Just in time for the Fourth!" said Paula Flinstone, "I didn't want to have to feel bad for any troops dying overseas or any of those oil slicked birds in the gulf over the holiday. So thank god it's over. Now we can focus on the important things. Like that iPhone reception problem. Did you know if you hold it funny you can lose signal? That's outrageous!"
With the exception of the buried comment by CNN on the reporting, other news agencies simply stopped reporting on Iraq and the oil spill and have silently pretended that they no longer exist. When pressed by the New York Times earlier today, FOX news anchor Bill Radley said "what war are you talking about? Afghanistan? Sorry, I can't hear you over your deafening liberal ideals about journalistic integrity."
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