Bush Admits Global War on Terror Was Elaborate Hoax

In news that stunned a nation this morning, an enthusiastic former president George W. Bush addressed a small crowd of reporters outside his Texas home. "This morning I'd like to let you all in on all little secret: the G-Wot wasn't even real!"

Known for pulling the occasional White House prank, few suspected that the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and various hot-spots around the world were all elaborate hoaxes.

"Nah really, Muslims are all real nice. We just figured we hadn't had a war in a long time and Cheney said, 'hey Bush, why don't we just make up a war? We'll veil it in obscurity and say we can't tell things and we'll all get to keep a secret and get to play dress up for the cameras.' I thought it sounded like a good idea."

When asked to elaborate how long the hoax had been going on, Bush replied just a few days after 9/11. "Oh shit. Yeah, no. 9/11 was real. I mean, that was seriously fucked up. Come on. Who would make that up? The war in Afghanistan though? Total honky. Yeah we sent in troops but we took over that country and installed a democracy in about a month. Come on, y'all thought it was really taking us 9 years to win over there? We're America. Think about it."

Deployed troops, Bush explained, had actually been deployed to the foreign countries, but upon arrival they were handed sun tan lotion and ice cream cones. "The ice cream was my idea," Bush added in later statements. "Don't you think our troops deserve ice cream cones?"

"After Afghanistan we kept trying to think how we could up the ante. You know, how long y'all would go along with this. Then I was on the phone with my dad one day and he said, 'what about Iraq, George?' I said, 'Dad, no one in hell is going to tie 9/11 to Iraq.' But by that time the idea was in my mind. So, shock n' awe!

According to Bush, and later corroborated by other leading officials in the Bush administration, Saddam Hussein is actually a family-friend of the Bushs and owns the ranch next door to the family estate. "Saddy's a good guy. He really went along with the whole thing, even though he wasn't sure it was a smart idea."

The Associated Press later confirmed the former presidents story while at Fort Benning, Georgia. "You guys know now?" replied a Staff Sergeant who recently returned from his fifth deployment to Iraq, who spoke to reporters on condition of anonymity and looked slightly overweight with a healthy bronze tan. "My wife is going to be so pissed when she finds out."

"Who told you that?" said a Specialist who had not yet deployed, but was looking forward to his first deployment experience. "Was it Bush? It was wasn't it. That fucker can't keep a secret!"