Sign of the Apocalypse: Health Care Reform Passes

At the stroke of midnight last night, President Obama revealed himself as Dark Sith of the Underworld and proceeded to eat all innocents and virgins passing by the White House. Republicans on the Hill were quoted by the Associated Press as saying, "we TOLD you not to pass health care reform."

Investigative reporting by Fox News later revealed a Sanskrit enchantment on page 789 of the health care bill would unleash the dark underlord from his mortal coil if all Americans were covered by health care.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs fielded a litany of questions about the rise of His Unholy Greatness at the White House this morning. "Passage of this bill is a great moment in American history, and a great moment for our new unbounded leader. Hail OBAMA!"

The enchantment to unleash Obama from his mortal coils was written into the bill as a last minute rider. Says John McCain (R-Az), "we knew it was in there. We kept saying, 'this will be the downfall of America. It's too much, it's too much. I hope you're all happy."

On the talk show, the O'Reilly Factor, Bill O'Reilly also placed blame on liberals for the imminent rise of the great Beast. "I told you he wasn't from Hawaii, didn't I?"

In fact, documents obtained by the New York Times reveal that President Obama wasn't born in Hawaii but in the acid belly of the many-headed dog Cerebus. In a rare impromptu speech with no teleprompters, Barack Obama stated, "Balchekwalluomegadon!!", leaving pundits to speculate on its exact meaning.

The fallout from the bill is still being calculated, however, much of the capital has fallen into chaos as the lost souls of the damned rose up and began walking the streets. It is unclear if the new health care bill will cover their costs.