Yes, the war in Afghanistan rages on. Yes, the Empire State Building, symbol of American capitalism was bathed in communist China's colors. Yes, Sarah Palin does exist.
This isn't what you should be afraid of.
You should be afraid of Brian Schweitzer, a Montana man who just celebrated his 113th birthday. He was born in 1896. And on his birthday, the Scottish Rite Temple of Dan-Brown's-new-Masonic-book fame gifted him $10,000. I smell conspiracy. I smell apocalypse. I smell old people.
Then there are the vampires. Pre-teen vampires. Oddly effeminate vampires, which Esquire columnists attributes to the assimilation of homosexuality into our culture (pretty convincing read). And vampires who are marrying, in preparation to outbreed us.
And don't get me started on zombies, the other end of the immortal spectrum.
We're living longer. And we like it. But if we want to insure people and we want to do it affordably, then aren't more people going to have to ante up and hit the snooze button at some point?
Not to mention the overpopulating and the subsequent food crunch. I mean, we talk about how horrible big macs are, but in caloric bang for the buck, that's where we're going if we plan on never dying while still feeding the rest of the world.
And if we continue on with our antibiotic injected beef burgers, then won't that usher in the next swine flu? And isn't swine flu just a gateway disease to reanimated corpses? And if we're all going to turn into zombies, then what flesh will the vampires feed on?
And who will buy Dan Brown books? Or run against Sarah Palin? Because the only thing more terrifying that Palin, is a zombie version of Palin. No, actually, a zombie-vampire-Palin hybrid. Way scarier.
Now that's a sign of the apocalypse.
This isn't what you should be afraid of.
You should be afraid of Brian Schweitzer, a Montana man who just celebrated his 113th birthday. He was born in 1896. And on his birthday, the Scottish Rite Temple of Dan-Brown's-new-Masonic-book fame gifted him $10,000. I smell conspiracy. I smell apocalypse. I smell old people.
Then there are the vampires. Pre-teen vampires. Oddly effeminate vampires, which Esquire columnists attributes to the assimilation of homosexuality into our culture (pretty convincing read). And vampires who are marrying, in preparation to outbreed us.
And don't get me started on zombies, the other end of the immortal spectrum.
We're living longer. And we like it. But if we want to insure people and we want to do it affordably, then aren't more people going to have to ante up and hit the snooze button at some point?
Not to mention the overpopulating and the subsequent food crunch. I mean, we talk about how horrible big macs are, but in caloric bang for the buck, that's where we're going if we plan on never dying while still feeding the rest of the world.
And if we continue on with our antibiotic injected beef burgers, then won't that usher in the next swine flu? And isn't swine flu just a gateway disease to reanimated corpses? And if we're all going to turn into zombies, then what flesh will the vampires feed on?
And who will buy Dan Brown books? Or run against Sarah Palin? Because the only thing more terrifying that Palin, is a zombie version of Palin. No, actually, a zombie-vampire-Palin hybrid. Way scarier.
Now that's a sign of the apocalypse.
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