Study Finds Women are Dominant Gender

Millions of men across the country quit their jobs today, following the release of an article in the "Epoch Times" that proves women are the dominant species, or at least far less likely to die no matter what the circumstances.

"I'm done. I'm just done. If I'm not going to have dominant status then I'm not braving the red line everyday and I'm not going to take this shit from my boss. I'm out," a local DC man said.

"I could die at any minute. It's just not safe for me out there," said a Maryland man, who was rushing home after hearing the news.

The article, written by Dr. Gifford-Jones and partially read by the largely male staff at the Fourth Corner before they got bored with it, provides a litany of reasons why mankind is doomed. A short list includes:

1. The pregnancy of a male fetus is more likely to end in a stillbirth or miscarriage
   
2. When they are born, they are more likely to have developmental disabilities such as autism and are more likely to be color-blind.
   
3. Teenage males are 11 times more likely to drown than women.
   
4. More males die from almost all the leading ailments than women: heart attacks, cancer, lung disease, diabetes, AIDS, pneumonia, flu, and complications with the kidneys ... all of which is enough to drive men to drink.
5. Except that more males also die of liver failure than women.
   

Yet despite all this women's health issues get more attention than male issues. There are roughly an equal amount of prostate cancer cases as there breast cancer cases each year. Yet, in 2005 the US government spent $394 million dollars on prostate research, and $710 million on jubbly cancer research.

Men are planning a march on the Mall to protest their right to live. "I just think there are some questions that the White House needs to answer," said Al Stimpson, who is organizing the march. "Who is pushing these teenage males in the pool? Is it a hate crime for a woman to ask a man if he likes that color dress when he can't even see the color? We've got a black president now, we're in an era of equality and I think there's no better time to bring it up. He is black, right?"

Certain doctors groups are trying to provide a more balanced response. "It's because breasts are nicer to look at," explained a Dr Nash, who is qualified to speak on the subject. "I mean, prostates, do you know anyone who would really want to look at a prostate over a breast? I don't know about the rest, but come on, is this really a surprise to anyone?"

There is no word on whether the protests, or the doctors groups, will get any council from the White House. Congress is expected to hear testimony from various men later today.