The Latter Day Saints Articles of Faith

Quoted below are the thirteen Articles of Faith (couldn't round it out to an even number?) as stated by the Mormon church.

1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost is hyperlinked for quick access. For God and Jesus, you will have to visit a library or church.

2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression. Women? Don't get us started on women!

3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel. Atonement: polite synonym for crucifying

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands? for the gift of the Holy Ghost. Thought this was interesting: the immersion of someone in water (baptism) is symbolic of burying them (death) and resurrection. Huh. So ... if it's Lord Jesus Christ ... then who is the Lord? Do God and Jesus ever get confused about who people are talking to?

5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. So with prophecy, you're either pre-Mormon and just don't know it yet, or going to hell. Authority means authorized by the church, which kind of means monopoly for them. I think the Catholic church got in trouble with it's own 'laying on of the hands' program.

6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth. Primitive Church. A lot of orgies back then.

7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth. Guess what I got you for Christmas?

8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. The Bible must be translated by Google Babelfish from Aramaic. This is the only way. The Book of Mormon can be translated however you want -- chicken bones and the hair of a gnewt, Oxford dictionary, hobo ...

9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. So it's all been revealed, but there's more to come. Sort of like at the end of Transformers, you think it's over, but then there's a sequel.

10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon this the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. Shame on whoever spell checked this. Paradisiacal? Here's to hoping those ten tribes are not the ones we killed to take over the American West, including Utah! PS, if paradise is downwind of the Great Salt Lake, you can count me out.

11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. Polygamy is in!

12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. Polygamy is out!

13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men (sorry ladies!); indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things (except if one of us gets really burned and is a vegetable in the hospital. Then pull the plug). If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things. Polygamy is in!